Thanks for joining me!
“Drop by drop of water will fill even the largest pot with water. Likewise accumulating good, little by little you’ll become goodness itself” Buddhist Saying
Hi, welcome to my blog. My name is Alejandro and I want to share my story with you in hopes in even the smallest ways it may benefit you and others.
I’ve been professionally diagnosed with PTSD, Insomnia, Agoraphobia, Panic Disorder, Anxiety and OCD. Though my condition Affects my life immensely daily and those around me, I’d like to think these are the least interesting things about me.
I believe with professional therapy, reading, writing, gardening, exercising, meditation, yoga and positive or altruistic deeds of body, speech and mind we can thrive. For its not enough to simply survive my days. I genuinely want to thrive.
I’ll let you know in advance: I’m human, flawed, don’t have best grammar, my memory isn’t the best, I struggle, get tongue tied, make mistakes, have a traumatic past, a blessed even though challenging present and diligently work hard to heal and be a source of goodness to everyone in life despite it all. I believe in not giving up. Being a survivor simply shows how strong we are. Scars and all.
A summary of my past. I was an LGBT homeless youth in my teens. I slept under lifeguard towers all the way up the eastern coast of United States. During those years I experienced heinous and traumatic experiences from evil people. I was just a nobody, homeless and they took advantage of my body and youth.
Sometimes when it was cold, I’d sleep in a stairwell of an apartment building or an unlocked car in the 90s. While homeless and on the streets or beaches I was beaten, raped, molested, my bones, nose, teeth have been broken. I’ve been physically and emotionally abused.
One day while walking the boardwalk in Miami beach a handsome stranger approached me. Under the guise of a person wanting to help I was approached by a young man who offered me a home. I didn’t realize the danger till it was too late because in my mind all I thought of was food, a roof and a chance to bathe. He was not as young as he appeared on that boardwalk my guess was he was in his mid thirties. I was held captive for six months by a pedophile and was forced to be under his desk for hours everyday while he told me ‘how dear I was to him.’ He fed me that line until he made me believe it even if it wasn’t true.
I eventually escaped his imprisonment and abuse though it wasn’t easy. I was too young to drive and had no car. Had barely an idea of where I was though I think the neighborhood was called Miami Lakes. But I was tired of being held for hours hidden under a desk till he’d reappear for my body’s use from whatever day job he had.
With just my legs I found an opportunity, climbed out a window and fled. To run from him, his lies and the pain and fear of him. I constantly worried he’d find me so I kept running. I walked for miles when my lungs felt like they’d burst. I even hitchhiked up north into different states. Sometimes I had no idea where I was. I never made a sign but I’d sing songs with an old plastic cup and get some change. With that I’d always buy food, washing up at sinks of fast food restaurants. I was always looking for work too. Yet my ID said my age was too young and I had no address.
I’ve known hunger, thirst. My lips cracked from exposure to earths relentless elements. I’ve been robbed of all my possessions at one point. I’ve lost my only sister. She too died from being homeless living in her car. I didn’t even know she was living that way till I flew down for funeral and by then I was older, had a place, the means to support her, had I known. Yet no one ever told me till it was too late.
What kind of world makes it acceptable for these sufferings to occur? I’ve also suffered through a category five hurricane. Yet I refuse to only be a sum of my traumas. Hope is very powerful and healing is slow but honest dialogue is just as important as getting professional help.
Despite all these traumas I remained a moral person. Not perfect, far from it, but always did my best. Where many would of given up I didn’t. I got a GED (High School Diploma), found a job, got lodging, worked really hard all my life trying to simply ignore the past, move forward and survive. Yet it takes one straw to break the camels back and when the next trauma occurred my PTSD manifested out of nowhere full force and had to seek professional help and be on Paid Short Term Disability leave for my condition.
I went to therapy, I took what was prescribed, even at the cost of my health for it seems today’s answers to PTSD or mental illness is to medicate the patient to the point where they’re bed ridden and lose almost every spark of their personality and quite literally drooling watched the months and my body fade dangerously away from healthy to severely underweight and on deaths door. When I reached 107 pounds after three months in bed surrounded by people with horrible habits, I said no more.
I looked for better therapists, was adamant about lowering the doses on everything they’d throw my way and asked for natural remedies as well. I wanted my spark back. I wanted to gain weight, stop being overly medicated by doctor’s that had no idea what they were doing to me. It was also time for a new place to call home.
Eventually I ran out of benefits from my employer and truth be told was tired of fighting for them. For someone with PTSD we’re fighting to survive everyday. Fighting with corporate disability insurance companies for disability payments or even federal government for ‘merited’ assistance for disability benefits is not conducive to peace or tailored for those with my ailments. Even if eligible and well documented the processes to receive benefits are terrifying. I had little money left and was not healed enough to return to work despite my long held jobs insistence to rid themselves of me. Despite these Third Party Disability companies doing everything in their power to deny my benefits despite the office notes and doctors telling them I wasn’t capable of work. These benefits that I worked hard for were triggering my condition horribly with the relentless faxing of information to these disability companies.
I’m not healed yet though every day I try and never give up on hope. Luckily after the tragedy that was Hurricane Irma and with encouragement of one of the greatest therapist, I left the state that had so many triggers of past and met the most amazing person on earth. This compassionate, kind, loyal and patient savior looked passed my flaws and helped me find my smiles again.
We’re now married, have a beautiful humble home, family, friends, neighbors, service dog, gardens and a cat. I’m writing this on 2 hours of sleep for insomnia comes with the territory but it’s important and therapeutic to be honest with myself and others so people realize they’re not alone in their struggles.
In this blog you’ll be able to watch my Video Blogs, Writings, Rants, see pictures of my life and get to know me for hopefully more than my condition. I believe my goodness outshines my scars and with that I ask for you to simply get to know me, be kind and supportive to myself, yourself and others. I won’t always make sense but I’ll always try to be the best version of myself and believe in a better tomorrow.
I wish everyone happiness and the causes of happiness.
May all beings benefit,