Alright been up forever. Was woken up by nightmares. It had bits and pieces of my past in it since I wrote it down. Flashback dreams. I never understood the whole hallucinating thing. I don’t hallucinate. My mind will get lost in a very vivid thought about something that happened a long time ago but I’m not hallucinating it’s like a Day dream or at night a dream.

Anyways I have a theory and I don’t like it. My insomnia it’s something horrendously awful. Yet I can’t go back to sleep with all the snores and moving around my husband is doing next to me. I feel like I’m turning into a Vampire in reverse. I try an go to sleep as early as possible because it’s near impossible for me to fall asleep in bed if he’s already there. Yet you can’t force sleep so 75% of the time he’s there. Especially on weekdays when he has to wake up early for work. I get to sometimes fall back asleep when he does go to work cause he goes to work so early I have the house to myself and will get on the floor and do a laying down guided meditation and then after some zen I turn over and sleep.

You know where I sleep the most? Tell me this isn’t broken as hell. On the Rug on the floor in my room by my nightstand. So if it was a week day my husband would be gone to work by 6:15am and I’d do some house chores early as hell then take my position on the floor and pass out. I’ve slept on the floor a lot in my life. And don’t laugh but when I was single I even slept in my closet or under my bed. As an adult! Is that messed up? Was it because I was homeless for a long time as a teen? Was it because sometimes acquaintances let me sneak into their parents houses and sleep hidden in their closets? I don’t know.

Still it’s the floor I seek refuge in. All the closets in our giant home are fancy ikea wardrobes drawers on the bottom different sections they’re huge floor to ceiling wall to wall and I don’t fit in them so floor it is. Part of the what I call 30 plan is to remodel the house. I think I’m going to demand a huge closet. Two of them. Or a reading nook that’s got pillows and is a cut out in the wall and maybe I can find some peace then. How ridiculous having a 3k square foot home and sleeping on the floor and wanting to hide in a closet and all of them are modern non closets that you can’t hide in.

So my theory is I sleep better alone. But I won’t sleep in guest rooms that’s for guests and one day children is our hope. I’ll keep sleeping in our room or not sleeping forever even if it’s shitty sleep. I’ve thought of a king size bed and mattress. Instead of Queen but I don’t know would that help? I love my husband with every fiber of my being but I’m always exhausted, stretched thin and not sleeping. It’s taking its toll. I am currently just laying in bed willing him to wake up and go play video games and watch YouTube in his office so i can vacuum and mop the house get firewood from the stack, make food, put out trash and recycling, garden and then while he plays his video games and watches tv all day I can take a break and get on the floor in our bedroom and take a nap.

I’m cognitive not ignorant but man I get these headaches now so often from lack of sleep also not having coffee anymore because it gets me too riled up. Anyways I’m riled up now but I feel like I’m punished and can’t get up and out of the room because it would wake him up my opening our room door and then closing it to get all the chores done. We have a rule all doors are closed in this house. It used to not be that way but I’m one person cleaning a 3k square foot home is ridiculous and ongoing. Having pets in the bedroom made it worse. So the doors are closed so that at least there’s no dog hair or cat hair in bedrooms. Less stuff to vacuums less dust and room doesn’t smell like my service dog or worse the cat. The cat that scratches anything nice we have. Her name is Cali I love her I just wish she’d be bald and have no nails. But hey pets are worth the fuss. They’re loving.

So my theory is I basically don’t sleep well on beds or when another person is loud next to me no matter how much i love them lol. Oh gosh at least as an insomniac I’ll always be awake for my kids. My husband sleeps easy. Head to pillow to snores. Constantly moving around too though I’m not wearing a halo I thrash in my sleep and don’t sleep so there’s that.

Well it’s passed seven. He’s still sleeping I’ve been up since I don’t know 3am? I’m about to just open the blinds and leave the damn room I can’t torture myself waiting for him to wake up any longer. I’ve got shit to do and hopefully that will lead to him being done sleeping and playing video games so that I can go back into our room and take a meditation and nap on the floor to catch up.

Bah

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