I dreamed that my late sister was a monster and I was a song writer and had to deal with two difficult musicians being forced to write their songs then at the end one person became a monk and told me to go to his home and get his journal where I’d find eleven thousand dollars I’d have to give to his son and then the rest to a local temple. I had to travel to New York with a monster as the driver to retrieve this while hiding it from the monster sister. Then I couldn’t in good faith hide it from her even though it was a best she didn’t know. I ended up in the middle of Boston some how then back to her or it’s car and pulled out journal and cash and said this was in house this is supposed to go to virtuous endeavors. She it brought me to her car which had tires flat and shredded. I pointed shredded tires out and said you’re not able to drive that and she said not if I believe it to be broken in ‘this realm but in the next she could’. I hopped in the car and was suddenly was at a huge wooden desk speaking with the Dalai Lama and three other holy Buddhist monks. I was like ‘oh my gosh what a relief and blessing’ they spoke with me about sufferings of the body sickness and old age. I chanted some Buddhist prayers. They were pleasantly surprised i knew them and asked how many languages i knew. They started to speak Tibetan and i understood every other word. At the end i saw someone be ordained a monk after they had sold all their possessions and was being interviews by an abbot for entry into a giant monastery and woke up when I noticed them. I hoped it was 5-6am it’s not it’s just passed 1:30am now. These dreams are so vivid and real they scare me sometimes and other times fill me with hope. At least I stayed true to my integrity in them and end witnessed Buddhist masters that had pure hearts. Got out of bed went to bathroom put eye drops in my eye as they were itchy and now waiting for my heart to stop racing and hope I can meditate in a bit back to sleep because my husband doesn’t wake up for another 4 or five hours. I want more chamomile tea. Something to chase the dreams away warm cup and lull me to sleep but I also don’t want to go downstairs and make it because I’m tired don’t want to fall down the stairs (it’s happened before) and make it or wake husband with our room door opening but it’s possible I may need to do that. I don’t know. Just want tea zen and zzzs is that too much to ask for? Also the dreams need to chill out. They’re freaking weird or scary. Sleeps more important. All this suffering because I won’t take another medicine for continuous sleep because the side effects are a headache, blurry vision and basically becoming an apathetic brain neutered person that drools. Sucks when you do everything right but you still don’t sleep or find balance. The tea, routines, the therapy, gardening, writing, the blogging and positive thinking, meditation, mindfulness and still it all goes back to you can’t sleep or live without panic attacks without heavy medications at the cost of your spark and soul. I hope I get through the day. If I can at least fall back asleep or nap it might not be useless today. But I’m wide awake shivering.