Today’s been a day a long long day. It started when I woke up a bit past 1:30 from a nightmare and couldn’t fall back asleep. I don’t even remember the details about it though it’s written somewhere. As I wanted sleep it evaded me. I watched the peak of night turn to daylight. It continued the hours upon hours I lay awake in bed waiting for dawn to approach and my husband to wake so I could maybe fall asleep again or meditate and nap. Its now 3:36pm and I’ve meditated and taken a 45 minute nap afterwards. Seems to be the magic number lately. It’s not enough rest I know. It’s a few hours of sleep I want not minutes. When I took a shower this morning I didn’t even feel like doing my hair just dried it with no motivation or style other than having it out of my face. Then threw it in a ponytail whenever I had to do anything with effort. Running on fumes makes everything harder. I realize today that I don’t want to wrap up gifts or send holiday cards. I don’t want to have to cook dinner or vacuum and mop the house. There’s a long list of usuals that I don’t want to do and a lot of it is because of this bone tiredness that’s consuming me. Now it’s day three of barely sleeping so chances are in the great wheel and patterns of things I’ll probably actually get some sleep tonight. There does reach a state your body just collapses and will take what it needs by force. I just prefer nothing to be by force. I want an organic, easy and calm day full of no surprises and peace. I don’t want the fullness of silence to go away. I want to read in bed in my pajamas for a week. Take a break from responsibilities, people and recharge. We’ll call it self care. Yet there’s no scenario in Adulthood that gives us time out. Not really, not utterly and completely. You have to eat, hydrate, these are basics. To do that you have to get up, get water, warm up tea. To eat you have to prepare it. Or even order it. Everything requires so much persistent effort. We can’t truly take a retreat from our daily lives without living it can we? Yes there’s Buddhist meditation or yoga retreats. Yet they cost money too. Planning, effort, walking, camping, traveling, food and sanitation accommodations. Or they’ll be too in the future or just past. Too far away. Yet I find even as I blog insistently day by day. My favorite therapeutic obsession that I’m learning about myself more and more each day. That I want to be able to conquer my ego, past, fears. I want to live in peace, forever in meditative equipoise. I want to find stillness that’s transformative and pure. I want an ascension of mind. I want all beings to be happy including myself. I want to rid myself of wants ironically too. In the days of consumerism and amazon I’d like to be off grid. But I want electricity and the internet and so many books to read. I’d like there to be no such thing as news that isn’t relevant or true or at minimum conducive to peace. I want phones and services to stop monetizing off my privacy and invading it and have a choice in what I share. There’s so much the mind wants. Pleasing sounds, tastes, scents, sights, thoughts, touch. The mind is always in a state of wanting. How will we ever be free?

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