So I snore. Full disclosure. I’m basically allergic to everything. Pollen, Cats, Pineapples and Sleep apparently.

My husband must be needing some Benadryl cause he’s snoring louder than usual. I almost want to take a VoiceMemo and scream to the world “who the effing heck can sleep next to that?” But he has a video of me snoring that’s pretty freaking loud too so it’s moot. We both snore. Difference is one of us sleeps the other doesn’t.

I ended up making that chamomile and honey tea by the way. But then with itchy eyes, and the fan making it too cold I was wide awake. Put eye drops in but really I just need hours and hours of sleep. It’s not going to happen till he goes to work. Three more hours to go. Three more hours of having to tell him to “turn over” every time he starts snoring in my face. If he wasn’t my HubbÿKîńš (yeah we like pet names) I’d of pushed him off the bed and told him to get out of the room and pick another room house is huge. Then of course I’d definitely not sleep because I’d feel guilty. So I keep my mouth shut and just deal with it. Love is beautiful and anyone that can deal with me and the sum of my experiences and scarred and flawed self deserve a noble peace prize.

Because the fact of the matter is and though I hate to admit it when you don’t sleep you’re not the best version of yourself. You’re like an emotional time-bomb. That’s why I’m not able to sleep right now not just the insomnia it’s the annoyance of anything. Being too hot, being too cold, wanting to take a shower but not wanting to wake up my partner. Wanting to sleep but too many distractions to sleep. So many effing wants. Also blowing my nose and being out allergy medicine. Just think of all the ridiculous things to be annoyed about and bam all those things are magnified when you’ve been running on empty for the third day. Is there such a thing as a sleep clinic? Can’t they just put me to sleep for eight hours every day and make it like a spa service. Wake up all fresh like a spring Daisy with tea and super soft biscuits from Red Lobster? They should invent that. Insomniac Clinic And Spa.

So anyways I have the mind to say if I don’t sleep no one shall sleep but that’s not fair that’s mean. I’m kind though through and through. It’s the one thing that’s always true. I believe in goodness even when the world sucks the marrow out of me I hope it helps someone somewhere.

Part of me thinks my suffering is penance or guilt. From actions in my past or previous life or something and I’m just paying of karmic creditors in sleep. That’s insane. Yet is it? Who knows. I don’t know anything about past lives I’m pretty rational when it comes to things. Who cares what we were in past lives when the current one is what we have you know? Still I try and remain as sound as I can despite it all.

Today is going to be a meditation day again. Has to be cause even if it’s not productive and I’m impaired and unable to cope with most tasks from exhaustion I’ve got to keep that compassionate, healthy, positive routine going. It may not do much at first but it is peaceful and I’ve been doing it daily for weeks now. Meditating has cleared one road block for one thing I could never nap before no matter what. Now I can nap 40-50% of the time after I meditate if I want to. So that’s an improvement.

Anyways I’m going to continue meditating and gardening and all the things I do that therapists say to do. But first I’m going to take a shower cause I want to be fresh and clean for a morning meditation in a few hours when the sun is up.

So yeah snores, insomnia, allergies, all sorts of human emotions I’m allergic too are keeping me up but yeah I’m still trying.

Zen and Zzzs everyone! Wish me Zen and Zzzs I’d love to be a Buddha one day.

Xoxo

The Kind Gardener~

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