Took three days of not sleeping and some strong medicine I didn’t want to take and even with that got only 6.3 hours but “I Slept!”

Not much deep sleep but whatever I slept continuously so I’m going to take it as a win. Even if I lost in a sense because I had to take a strong sedative and didn’t want a dose that strong for my ptsd induced insomnia. Yet in the end what can we do? If we have a headache we take Ibuprofen, Diabetes then Insulin and a healthy diet. Yet it still feels wrong

In the end it took a heavy dose of Diazepam to get me to sleep. Along with my melatonin, herbal sedatives (tea and Valerian tablet). Plus healthy doses of none peopling.

I’m afraid I wasn’t good enough for company in my condition the last few days. I kept positive in intentions and in words but I wasn’t functioning in a level that would of been anything other than observed as impaired. That’s when I hide a lot and withdraw. When the ‘moments’ are too strong, painful and overwhelm my body and mind I hide.

It may be silly but there’s a shame I can’t get over when I’m having ‘moments’ and so I hide from all my friends, family and neighbors and lock myself away in hopes for it to pass. It’s how I cope. It’s how I survive.

I know it’s not enough sleep to make up for the three days without it but it helped. I may have less ‘moments’ today. Moments is what I call flare ups of ptsd, agoraphobia, insomnia, panic disorder. It feels like calling them ‘moments’ lessons they’re power in word form. Even if it doesn’t stop my body from feeling it any less severe.

Sometimes I wonder if people notice when I hide. My husband does so do some close friends but no one else has said anything. I’m okay with that I rather be known by my good times and ups than my downs.

I wish I had some more sleep or profound things to say instead of being disabled and unable the last few days. But I don’t. I’m not perfect but I’m honest and my intentions are good. That’s all I can be on top of being kind.

Plan on meditating later but I’ve got three days of things I wasn’t able to do because of lack of sleep that need to be done while I have the energy.

May all beings benefit.

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