Once upon a time in a galaxy far far away ….
Yeah okay not going there.
What few of my followers know is that this is the most open forum to get to know my innermost thoughts and a bit about my past, present and future. Don’t get me wrong I have friends, family and a husband in real life but don’t we all kind of try and adjust our words, actions and personalities according to the people around us?
In front of children we keep our conversations light, and usually don’t curse like a sailor or get drunk.
In front of our friends we totally let loose a bit and talk more openly. Have a glass of wine. Swear words color the air indifferently if that’s your thing. Gossip happens, secrets spilled, advice given, troubles shared.
Then of course there’s our family and relationships. Clearly we’re one way with our family and then another with our relationship. My husband and partner is my confidant. He notices me the most. He’s there for the ups and downs and we live together. He also appreciates me in every way good or bad so he’s my rockstar. My family lives far away I’m okay with that. My love for them has not decreased by distance or their misdeeds. I choose to remain positive forgive what I can and look to the present and future.
Anyways returning to the title and topic at hand. My ‘Moments’ (PTSD, Insomnia, Panic Attacks, Agoraphobia) have been our full force since late October of this year. Though I’ve been battling PTSD for a decade, the last three months have been chillingly hard. Now my husband and I know this has been challenging. Heck even my neighbors and friends have been like you’ve been “Missing in Action” or MIA and they’d be right.
After all we tend to only put the best portions of ourselves on display. We filter our words and deeds with such lifelong trained restraint that it becomes second nature to us. Hide the dirty, broken, missing, suffering, scars, faults clearly from common observances.
Though I strongly believe that’s kind of culturally usual behavior it’s not the best. Going to hang out with your friends knowing it’s going to give you a sleepless Anxiety filled night and having to take medicine before you even hangout with them cause people work you up so much is not better. However we’re at a point of no return here.
So to you my readers always reading my honesty. My husband and I are used to peaks and valleys of my condition. We navigate the waters as best we can. Yet for over three months it’s been incredibly hard and stressful. One major change was my lowering my dosages and elimination of a lot of medications I felt the side effects were not worth the sleep or peace.
Side effects like becoming Apathetic, Unmotivated, Headaches, Blurred visión in morning, more forgetfulness and aloofness even more extreme. Yet there was at least sleep and less panic attacks. It cost my spark to dim a lot but it did make me suffer less.
I clearly can’t live a long, healthy and happy life sleeping well only once or four times a month. It’s not good. Having to grind my teeth, chew the inside of my lips having tense knots and muscle spasms, flashbacks according to my definition of them, thoughts that are obsessively over the top need to wane. They need to be managed better.
Problem is that I don’t like pills. It drives me bananas that I need to take them even the herbal ones when my husband takes nothing and sleeps eats works and lives perfectly. Yes we are different people but what happens if there’s no more access to healthcare? What happens if herbal (non pot) remedies are all we have? What happens to us? How do we Survive cause it won’t be thriving without therapy. You won’t live long if your diabetic without insulin. That migraine will last for days and hurt worse without ibuprofen. You get it?
Well we’re going to start the new year returning to medication therapy. Whatever doses they offer me I’m going to ask if it can be lower by half first. I’m also going to see if there are other herbal remedies with similar effects. I’m going back to more consistent therapy weekly instead of three times a month. Plus Yoga, meditation, jogging (when there’s no more ice slicked mornings) and all that Jazz. I don’t just want to be on medications alone. I don’t want to dim the spark of who I am. I happen to appreciate who I am even if it’s not entirely sane or stable. I think I’m a good ethical kind funny well wishing and good presence to have around. So I don’t want to dim that inner light but I know I’ve got to return to the medis’
Insomnia and panic attacks this frequency and severity is dangerous and it’s got to get back in control. So wish me luck. I’ll always be 100% open about my feelings and thoughts on here and unscripted but I need to be balanced with healthy sleep and body so that I’m able to benefit myself and others even more.
So that’s I’m going to new Psychiatrist and talking to Doctors and seeing how we can tackle of some the ailments I have without costing to much of my soul. Stick around for the journey. Even without comments and just a Star ⭐️ it makes me feel like I’m heard in this immense world.
May all beings experience happiness and it’s causes. I’ll write more later!
The kind gardener xoxo