So after my second attempt at napping today between working on my novels I said to myself ‘okay clearly I’m going to just deal with the sleep debt”

So I stopped writing and started the tasks we all need to get done regardless of wether we sleep or not.

Did blower outside because apparently the warm winter has confused the trees and the leaves still litter the stamped concrete like a plague.

Vacuumed my whole house all 3000Sf and three floors of it. If you want something done right you just have to do it yourself.

Did a water change on my planted Betta Aquarium, a water top off on my 700 gallon aquarium. Pruned plants in the green house then suddenly got a bunch of amazon boxes because my husband thought we needed more Tupperware and a Tupperware organizer.

Got aquatic plants delivered as well and put them into the sump of my large fish tank so I could deal with it later.

Husband gets home and I’ve just finished mopping and about to start laundry and starts talking to me while I’m busy trying to finish everything up so I can sit the hell down and catch my breath.

I didn’t even say hi just said you’re letting the air out of garage I’m busy.

At that point I realize oh nucking futs I was rude and why am I so hostile and angry. Tense, anxious and just generally annoyed at humans. Took my anti anxiety medicine. Made a cup of relaxing tea. Corded up the vacuum and put it away.

Now my medicines kicked in and I’m calming down from what I can only describe as rage cleaning my home.

I said “sorry I was pissy you just arrived at wrong time and I had a lot to do and couldn’t just drop everything to like a kind normal person until everything got done”

Now I’ve written a bit of the anxiousness out of my head with the help of blogging. Yay the ever present honest monologue of my crazy on the internet.

Anyways I’m sleep deprived, lost my mindfulness, had a temper tantrum and now of course as the adrenaline wanes and meds kick in I feel guilty as heck about the whole thing.

I’m sitting down now on my now vacuumed couch, armed with calming tea and waiting for my heart beat to stop racing and the sweat to dry off. I got so worked up I washed my face twice with cold water just to stay focused and semi cognitive.

Anyways that’s the present. Me wearing a Zelda shirt and joggers. Exhausted from my PTSD etc moment and writing about it.

My only solace is that I’m human and can’t be centered all the time.

Going to sit back and surf the web in hopefully silence.

Wish me sleep tonight I need it.

Try and always be kind too and be open and honest about your ups and downs. We all have them being aware of them let’s us apply remedies and ease the pain a bit.

Xoxo

Thekindgardener

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