That’s basically what my husband told me to do today. He says I’ve been working too much on my book, cleaning house, having too many anxiety and ptsd attacks etc That I need an off day.

How can I possibly enjoy an off day right now? With three hours of sleep and his snores so loud I want to go sleep in my damn car?

Yesterday I looked up Buddhist Meditation Retreats in Arizona. Month long and Four Months long. It’s so tempting. Especially for the one month retreat. There’s actually Two of them one that involves calm abiding meditation or Shamatha. Then one that’s Vajrasattva meditation that is basically a purification meditation where you chant the 100 syllable mantra of vajrassattva the Purification Buddha one hundred eleven thousand times.

After writing so much, moving so much, dealing with so much for the last few years I’ve seriously been considering it. A meditation retreat might be exactly what I need to get over this insanity of not not being able to sleep, living off naps, clear my mind and center myself.

They even offer humble accommodations. Your own room. And guidance of a Tibetan Buddhist Meditation Master during the whole time you’re on retreat.

Is it considered running away or doing something that’s wholesome and good for myself. I’ve no Clue part of me feels like it’s finding myself. Not running but helping myself get to know, calm and purify my own mind so that I can alleviate the suffering in it.

Right now I’m just I don’t know how to explain it. Broken? I can’t sleep, eat only enough to get by, am easily agitated, anxious all the time, have nightmares, and my mind is so fragile. I can barely keep my positivity up.

That’s the root of the issue. I’m a positivity focused individual and this toxic lack of inner peace is making feel like I’m losing the battle to being a good and highest version of myself.

Sure I’ve been able to write a bunch and work wonderfully on my book with so much wake time. Yeah I’ve been able to do meditation everyday and usually get a nap after. But if the only peace I have is when I’m meditating then why not leave and go master that.

I need peace I get it that my body doesn’t want to cooperate. I understand being disabled. But it doesn’t change my views that the mind can be stabilized and can with enough diligence and dedication find inner peace.

I think I’m going to try and do that. Get myself into some sort of meditation retreat. They’re expensive when it comes to room and board and food but I’ve got to find a way.

Peace is the only thing I want if My mind finds peaceful stabilization then there’s nothing it can’t accomplish.

Once I finish proofreading editing and publishing my novel I’m going to have to go on solitary retreat for a while.

I’ll blog about the experience and see if it helps. Either way the closest one is months away.

Plenty of time to obsess over it and prepare for it.

Possibly a lot of my thoughts are just because I’m not sleeping well and people trigger me, boxes trigger me, the phone, door bell, texts, heck sometimes there’s nothing and I’m in full on panic mode. Crippled by its grip on my body.

It’s no way to live. I want to thrive not just survive.

Meditation Retreat might be the way to go.

Enjoy myself! Ha! I’m not a spa person. Plus what exactly can I enjoy for a day without any sleep?

I need some Zen and Zzzs. Therapy and medication alone isn’t cutting it.

2 thoughts on “When they say enjoy yourself today but you don’t sleep. FML

  1. I have recently gotten into meditation. I am currently in a mindfulness course that just started up yesterday.
    I have learned that we look to out things to make us happy, but that only last until after that even is done. Where true meaningful happiness comes from is within us.
    Being intentional about what we do, and those intentions should line up with our values. Being in the present moment is where our brains don’t live. I am working on trying to calm my mind and let go of the intrusive and not helpful thoughts. The thoughts will happen it is how we choose to respond and think about it.
    Look up Turning Leaf Foundation there is some good stuff on Mindfulness there.
    Hang in there you will get through it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s a challenge to take our words thoughts and deeds off autopilot and really be mindful and aware. Yet we can do it! We put our breath on autopilot so much when we are able to be cognitive of our inhalation and exhalation and every action of our body. I definitely rejoice that you’re interested and Pershing meditation it has incredible scientifically proven benefits on the mind. Thank You for sharing your journey and the reply you’re appreciated immensely


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