Clearly my husband and I don’t have a king sized bed. Now if I hadn’t taken a late afternoon visit to naptown I could of done the usual and get to fall asleep before he came to bed and slept 3 hours or more. Insomnia it sucks but I just can’t sleep right now with this non stop loud snoring taking most of the bed situation tonight.

Now I could just go to the guest bedrooms but one of them he opens when he wakes up to get his work stuff before leaving to work that would wake me up. The other guest room is cozy and beautiful looks like something out of a magazine. But I don’t want to fall asleep in there in fear that I’d like it too much and then we’d be sleeping in separate beds all the time and I love my husband too much and him me to hurt his feelings in any remote chance and that would be like being roommates. I love our room i don’t want to sleep outside of it.

But sleep is imperative and I’m getting angry, agitated and anxious. The snoring is making me fume and I can’t play my sleep hypnosis album with headphones cause my sinuses and ears are sensitive and clogging up my ears will just keep me awake. So as I am well aware my ptsd is surfacing and I’m having yuck thoughts I took medicine and waiting for it to kick in so I’m not in full blown massive flare up yelling at him out loud instead of in my head when he’s blameless in all this. I snore for crying out loud. He can just sleep through anything. He sleeps like ten hours everyday sometimes fourteen. He pretends he doesn’t sleep as much but he does. He works then comes home and sleeps in front of felicísimo or on couch and then sleeps some more.

Well rather than losing my shit which I’m so on the cusp of it I’m going to go downstairs to the second floor and go to the couch and sleep with my service dog. Play my guided sleep hypnosis and hope I catch some zzz I don’t want to be awake all night in a state of agitation because our room sounds like it has a freight train decibles of snoring keep you awake hog the bed apocalypse going on.

The things we do for love. I’m tired I need sleep I need quiet and peace. It’s not happening if I remain a prisoner to my thoughts and our room. It’s best to just go downstairs, meditate with a guided sleep hypnosis track on my iPhone and be at least in the blessed quiet.

Seriously going to need the month meditation retreat in Arizona to calm myself and purify my mind at the Buddhist temple.

Anyhow enough said time to tiptoe out of our loud af room and find my quiet place to meditate to sleep and calm down from all the irrational thoughts I’m having right now.

Anxiety and PTSD suck and it’s flare up that makes me want to withdraw instead of freak out and yell.

The kinder thing is to apparently vent on the internet and then sleep in solitude and meditate.

I wish I had another choice. Maybe a king size bed would help. A noise canceling machine or an elephant tranquilizer because i just can’t. I’m out of it. My mind keeps playing out horrible scenarios it takes all my Buddhist training to dispel. It’s just the body it’s just the noise, the lack of peace the change in the routine.

Guess my vlog will have plenty to say tomorrow. I effing hate these afflictions so I’m going to meditate and try and settle down and hopefully reach enlightenment in twenty minutes laying down meditating on a couch or at least enjoy the blessed quiet and get an hour or more of sleep.

I don’t want to suffer like this anymore. Maybe a king sized bed would help we’d have more space between us even a foot more would help from being snores in my ear. I don’t know. For now I’m doing some mindful breathing and it’s helping and being downstairs now it’s quiet and that too is helping.

Wish I wasn’t broken.

Wish me zen and Zzz 💤

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