Everyday or most days though I’m sure it’s everyday if my memory would just work for a sentence I blog about anything and everything that’s going on in my mind.
I personally don’t think I make sense half the time. It doesn’t stop me though from airing my thoughts and exposing them to the endless expanse that is the internet.
Yet is there a cost for my honest dialogue? Sometimes I worry my unfiltered raw posts will be found by family or local friends and they’ll treat me differently. Judge me not from the good moments we have together but from the fact I wear my weird on the outside or rather inside my blog.
Does this scare anyone? The word press community is vast and full of amazing bloggers. I love interacting on here. I’d like to think I’ve even been creating the causes and conditions for making new friends. Friends that too have their struggles and benefit from my honest dialogue.
It’s true no one is immune to suffering. We all have our battles in life. Our baggage so to speak. Yet I find most people like me hide those aspects of themselves that they see as flaws and I see as being undeniably human. That’s what we are.
We make mistakes. For me it’s repeatedly. Cause hey why learn the lessons of life the easy way? Maybe I’m just ignorant or dense but I do have a habit of repeating my mistakes. Not serious ones but like clumsy, word vomiting over sharing, foot in mouth lack of mindfulness stuff.
I also have moments of lucidity. Where I’m present, aware and focused, can compose myself and am rested enough to maybe even give people a chance and hang out. Which for me is hard because I’m introverted unless caffeinated or given wine.
Anyways the clear themed struggle the past few months has been self esteem issues, lack of sleep, panic attacks on the near daily, flashbacks, forgetfulness, being blunt, withdrawn, aloof, reckless, wanting to just stay in bed forever writing obsessively my novels. What that has done is basically removed me from being able to really engage in Exercise like yoga and weight training which is part of the therapeutic journey. So I’d like to fix the sleep issue. Can’t do anything about the shit memory. I just lose my train of though too easily. Can’t be helped.
Anyways I’ve also got to do a lot more spring cleaning. Really have a lot of therapeutic goals to channel into my ongoing therapy of trying to regain some resemblance of control and composure to my condition.
Doctors visits are coming up so I’ll be medicated again and that will probably helps the insomniac symptoms. But man the side effects. Sometimes I wish I enjoyed marijuana just because everyone says it’s good remedy for what ails me. I don’t agree. I just don’t react well to it. It’s tooooo strong. Makes me feel anxious and out of sorts. Voted to legalize it but it’s just not for me.
I’m running out of herbal remedies though. So back to the doses of pills that make me have headaches and change my personality starting next week. The things we do so that we can be less impaired and more capable of functioning like everyone else.
Today’s a living off four hours of sleep day. It’s a damn three month trend that has to end.
Well the doctors appointments will fix that. It will only cost my spark. My soul. My personality. Guess you have to dim the light to function in society. I don’t know. I’m rambling again. It’s also hot in the house and I’m uncomfortable and tired. Since I’ve forgotten the point to this rant. Oh wait exposure.
Doesn’t anyone fear they’re going to be judged or ridiculed or looked down upon when they’ve realized they put their raw, flawed, unfiltered thoughts on the web? I do it because I’d like people to know they’re not alone and to convince myself that’s true for me too. I also do it because I forget everything. I can’t tell you how many times I had no clue I wrote a poem or a blog post until the star is hit and I get a comment or notification. I’m usually like oh shit that happened? I wrote that? People liked it?
Anyways these peaks and valleys are taking its toll. But I’m going to keep it up. Being that imperfect person with good intentions hoping I’m a mote of dust worthy of healing , being heard and not just my past.
One thing I’ve learned today is never argue with a fool cause then Instead of one there’s two.
So yeah I’m feeling exposed but you know what who cares. That’s what personal blogging is about. Being yourself.
I need a nap and a winning lotto ticket.
Be well everyone. I’ve already forgotten the point.