So ……. that happened.
Today if you watched my VLOG you could probably notice I was feeling like I was having an Up day. I had an okay amount of sleep. Was excited about finishing one of the series of books I’m writing.
Things were good ya know? Even had a gloriously Empty house while husband went to work and I got to work in complete silence on the finishing touches of one of my books.
Then out of flipping no where I check my phone. It had a bunch of texts. I read then. Then was going to put my phone back on the charger since I had work to do on computer and as soon as I put it on wireless base I notice my hands are shaking noticeably. Do a body scan and knots were forming in my shoulder neck and back and realized I’d been grinding my teeth hard.
It came quick and out of nowhere. Nothing I can think of triggered it. Everything around me was comfortable and fine. But it didn’t matter. The body didn’t care and eventually my mind started to freak out as well. I was in trouble I was in physical pain. My heart beat was suddenly pounding, I was sweating through my clothes.
I stared off into the corner of my office for what felt like an hour just not here in the present moment lost and losin my thoughts.
I quickly realized oh snap this is coming hard and fast. Took my medication and just had to wait excruciatingly long for it to kick in. So I lit the incense and set up my waited throws on the floor next to my bed. Washed my face with trembling hands. Made some chamomile tea, chanted a mantra, tried being mindful of my breathing,
Then took ibuprofen cause the pain in my shoulders had moved to neck and jaw and even with the anxiety medicine kicking in I knew I was flipping the hell out. Terrible thing when your body controls your mind. Or influences it so much.
Finally laid on the floor. Put a deep sleep hypnosis guided meditation on and followed it. It helped me calm down. Though a lot of it was thanks to the medication kicking finally in it helped. So I end up waking up and finally the moments passed and I’m like phew I survived another attack. Thank goodness I was alone. If I was around anyone I’d of probably yelled at them or told them to ef off. I wasn’t in control.
Anyways now I’m okay. I’m still shaky. A little in pain. A little hunched over and withdrawn but my heartbeat is back to normal. The hour or three I was having a ptsd meltdown has waned.
Called my primary doctor.
No more of these herbal remedies and low doses. I’ve tried with the lowest possible doses and even with yoga, gardening, aquascaping, avoiding stressful situations I’ve not slept well in months. In fact I’m not exaggerating when I say my husband sleeps more in one week than I do in a month.
So tomorrow I’m getting my meds. Going to start them at the regular dose and be very mindful of it. I hate pills it bothers me. But if you have a migraine you take excedrin, you have diabetes you take insulin. You have severe PTSD and Insomnia and all the other stuffs then you know what ya need to have he help.
Don’t get me wrong I’m going to still do the counseling, yoga, gardening, writing, blogging, exercising but hopefully with some sleep and instead of so many intense ptsd moments I’m going to be sedated a bit. Wake up with a headache and blurred vision cause that’s the side effects but I’ll of slept.
If I in anyway start to see or feel I’m doped up then I’ll talk to doc and say scale it back by half. I just can’t keep suffering like this.
Ugh I need to go on a retreat in a monastery or something.
Point is I survived when it felt like everything was falling apart I survived. Wish that was enough for me. Survival isn’t enough I want to deserve to Thrive!