Finally have an Appointment
So I’m going to go in to Primary and get prescribed Trazodone today. Hate the side effects but it’s been an long few months without sleep with no end in site. It’s also effecting my life so severely. I’m cooking less, having more panic attacks, less motivation, constant headaches, can’t stay asleep at all.
Problem is trazadone sucks because it blurs your vision in morning and you wake up with a headache takes weeks to really work too.
But I’ve got to sleep.
I have a headache from not sleeping it needs to happen. Now I’ll need an even bigger pill pack I’ll be a pharmacy no matter what it seems.
Guess there’s no natural cure for me. I’ve tried everything else. For the sake of my sanity I’ve just got to get back to stronger doses of medications and stop spending a fortune on herbal remedies that don’t work.
I blame my parents for my insomnia psychiatrists back in the days treat me like a loon because being gay was a sin they had me drugged up into a fat drooling ghostly shell of a person with crazy pills and treatments that are basically illegal now.
The last few days I’ve been kind of getting depressed as well. Not suicidal depressed or mentally that i recognize but physically. I’ve never been a danger to myself in that regard because I’m a Buddhist and so through in through I believe in the preciousness of a human life any life really. I don’t even kill bugs.
It’s hard to explain how a body can be depressed but a mind isn’t. Yet it’s the case with me. My theory and my psychotherapy doctors theories is that over a decade of practicing Buddhism I’ve developed a sense of logic and mental fortitude that prevents the worst of ptsd depression insomnia from taking over my mind. But it’s not stopped it from taking over my body.
I don’t know.
Once i get the sleep under control i think it may be time to do a Buddhist meditation retreat in Arizona. Maybe complete ngondro. Ngondro is hard but it works. For me it’s the physical aspects of it that are challenging the first part. Refuge with prostrations but even though I’ve almost finished that section of it I feel like vajrassatva section retreat would probably be easier. Whatever it takes to get better I suppose.
My husband handed me earl grey and ibuprofen so I can make it through my headache and get to doctors appointment for the sleeping meds.
He’s got the patience of a saint I’m so out it. Do i ever make sense? Lost my train of thought anyways