Today I went back to the Doctor with the gravest of hearts. To restart taking prescribed medications by psychiatrists and doctors that have been treating me for PTSD, Agoraphobia, Severe Panic Disorder, Bi-Polar Disorder, and Severe Insomnia. They agreed cause of course they would and prescribed and now my medications have been filled.
So why wasn’t I on all of those in the first place? Why did I stop? It was all because after doing yoga in summer, heavy gardening, jogging, going to counseling and with those pills that I was able to slightly function better. In my ignorance I didn’t recognize that it was a peak I’d have to inevitably come down from. I wanted to see if I was cured or if there was a way to save my liver so to speak (liver is fine) from all the pills. Figured with healthy habits like diet and exercise and herbal remedies, I could regain some control without the need for medication. That I’d be fine.
Yeah no it was a peak and though at first it felt exhilarating, liberating and I had boundless energy. I didn’t realize my personality was also taking a dive. I was heading from that peak to valley at full speed. I’m not going to get in specifics of all the pitfalls of mental illnesses and how they manifested the last several months after my dumb detox but suffice it to say the worst of it was never being able to sleep, flashbacks, panic attacks, agitated states, nightmares and a complete change in personality.
Going back and looking at things now it makes sense some of the things people said about me in private. Their concern etc. Yet I had this whole fabricated storyline in my head that couldn’t accept I had chronic cases of these mental diagnoses’ no matter the years of office notes, doctors, etc. I thought stupidly that I could just be my own therapist in a sense and cure the chronic illnesses like I was some god snapping my fingers performing a miracle cleanse, a mage taking a potion from a video game or just I don’t know that the universe would grant me an exception.
Well my good intentions granted no boon. I declined oh how I declined and deteriorated and suffered. So today around 10 I’ll be beginning my scripts again. I’m surrendering and not ashamed of admitting I was wrong. I can’t fix this.
Don’t get me wrong I’m still going to do the therapeutic exercises beyond the pills that will help manage the symptoms. The yoga the meditation gardening writing blogging therapy etc but I’m going to do it with professional medication management because it’s unfortunately a must.
Now it takes a few weeks for noticeable changes to occur. To balance out and even with medications it doesn’t fix it all. There’s just more balance to the ups than downs. Life is more tolerable. Instead of a flare up of ptsd several times a day it may drop by half. I’ll get better sleep though I’ll still have nightmares and flashbacks my body will be rested. So yeah I’ll be less impulsive and the the dial on my crazy will be lessened by a notch or two. Yet what can I do?
I have to practice self care. Have to accept that this is my karma and try and do more than just survive but thrive. For that’s the ultimate goal here. Now in no way does my medications ever in the past made me stable enough to be fine everyday my functionality is and will still be very limited. However I was at least suffering less.
Anyways in a few hours I’ll be back on the Chill Pills. I won’t notice the changes as quickly as others do. It also won’t magically cure insomnia or ptsd or anxiety or any of the neurosis’s I’ll battle the rest of my life. But maybe just maybe I’ll smile more. Suffer less and find some balance again and make the ups more appreciated and more often than the downs on this roller coaster ride.
Don’t worry I’ll blog through it all. You’ll continue to observe me in my unrehearsed awkward glory. Just hope I’m in a better place.
May everyone experience peace and happiness!