Well I’ve been up since a bit after 2am that’s 2+ hours of sleep. I really was tired and felt I would sleep well especially with the long bout of nap I took day before. Yet seems like it didn’t work.

Now I’m currently in bed as I’ve been for hours and hours. Waiting for my husband to wake up so I can make the bed and lay down on the rug with some yoga weighted blankets my gemstones and do a sleep hypnosis thing.

Of course my head hurts. I’m exhausted, anxious, restless, agitated and maybe even a bit angry. I’m angry because I’m alone in my afflictions when it comes to sleep. No one I know it my immediate life suffers insomnia or ptsd to the disabling intensity that I do.

My meds help me get more sleep than before but that’s still not enough. The chemistry required to make to get everything right sucks. With husband changing jobs I have to wait two more months before our new insurance kicks in and I can go back to therapy and psychiatrists with my concerns and whatever adjustments they’re going to make for my condition.

Meanwhile I’m basically bed bound when I’ve not slept. Then when I do sleep i go and exhaust myself trying to take care of everything at once. All the domestic stuffs plus editing my urban fantasy novel. Which feels like it’s perpetually being edited.

There’s been so many changes to my diet I wonder if that’s effecting me too. For one I’ve cut sugar from my life by 75% approximately. These are added sugars. Protein bars that taste like military supplements or like eating an Amazon box. I’ve also been without caffeine for now two weeks. My body is still restless and doesn’t sleep often. All de-caffeinated and calming herbal teas. Quitting coffee and sugar is insane. Yet I want to see my abs again. That sounds superficial but I’d also like to be not add anything more than the medication cocktail I have to survive in my condition. So for every prescription I give up something unhealthy.

Yes taking the medicines are as important as insulin for a diabetic. I tried to purge myself of all them and didn’t sleep for a couple of months. I was believe it or not an even bigger mess. So yeah the meds I’ll take. I still take melatonin, Valerian tinctures (smells awful), the teas, I get in bed at same time everyday and try and follow a routine but it doesn’t matter. I still sleep good once or twice a week then run on fumes for the rest of it.

One thing about a healthy diet is that I’ve been cooking more. Quick twenty minute meals. No sugars. I’ve been sticking to seafood and vegetarian things because I want to cut back on the meat. Tofus, fake meats are in there and they’re delicious. Also no chocolate or cookies. Seriously I always go on these crazy quests to be the healthiest version of my broken self and I hope they work.

Now don’t get me started on Facebook. I absolutely loathe it. It’s a data mining privacy invading addiction no one can kick. I have to have it or else my works won’t publish to its dedicated business page. Lol not that I make any money on it. The broke writer might sound better than the kind gardener but I don’t think that will be forever. Also not broke but book needs to finish being edited. If only I had a clone of myself.

Anyways my head really effing hurts. I’m tired. I want caffeine and soft batch cookies and real milk instead of cashew milk. But I’m determined to be healthy and shed some weight. I’m a thin guy but my stomach isn’t flat like it used to be and that’s got to go. Winter and Fall you tend to pack weight on as an adult.

Nothing profound to say other than “turn over” every 20 minutes to my husband who loves snoring in my face. At first I was thinking we could just get a king size bed now I want a huge king size bed that’s at least two feet off the ground so i can sleep underneath it like a dog and feel safe and protected.

Oh yeah one of the great things past trauma has gifted me is that I sleep better on the floor than bed. In a closet or under the bed. Idk for some reason that works for me. Some of you know I used to sleep under life guard towers when I was a homeless teen. And Unlocked parked cars and under stairwells or closets in 90s. Shelter is shelter ya know. Maybe that’s why I’m not claustrophobic when no ones around I’m more settled and feel safe. Which is seriously messed up considering how big this house is. I could totally go to the unused guest bedroom. It looks beautiful in there, but yeah. I like our room and bed.

There are things I feel would make our room more cozy. For one I’d love some shelving for plants, a reclining chair for reading and writing, also an aquarium with a few small tiny fish and live plants. Some artwork. Since I write a lot from my room I already have a desk in here facing the next to a window so when I write on the iMac I can look at the birds and trees. But yeah I feel I won’t get a lot of work done this day as I’m tired and have hours before husband wakes up before I can make bed then there’s a contractor appointment in morning I have to deal with.

Tomorrow is the dentist. That will be long long fun. Ha!

Anyways it’s safe to say their isn’t going to be any vlogs till I get some rest and have no beaches. But hang in there I’m doing my best. Meanwhile there’s plenty of poetry, pictures and rants. As my website has become the embodiment of my crazy journaling.

/endrant

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