Forced Silence

By Alejandro N. Marrero 2014

Memories and Delusions in my head beg for release.
Its that glitch that keeps playing the same scenes over and over again.
Driving me towards a place where sanity takes a backseat and there’s no seatbelts when you drive.

I’ll be salting my pillows when no ones around this evening.
All because I won’t fall apart in public.
It’s not allowed regardless.
These actions we keep repeating and never learn from.

God it hurts to think of us.
I’m always thinking of you.
It will be easier when your gone they say.
Done that several times though.
Always welcomed you back as well.
These thoughts.
These memories I attach myself too.
Their no good.
I’d like to talk about it.
Work it all out.
Finally scratch off the right numbers and win for once.
Yet it’s too expensive being you’re acquaintance.
Plus we all know I’m more than that.

The trick is to hold my feelings back for as long as possible.
At least that’s what the conservatives say.
What you’ve always recommended while your fingers pinched my lips shut.
My heart and voice has always been a terrible inconvenience to your happiness.
Your terribly broken agenda.
My painful and obedient quiet.
This forced silence.

There’s barely anything left of me anyways.
Fake it till you make it.
Ignore it all and pretend its fine till you one day you believe it.
You read it everywhere.
Everyone says it to everyone over and over again.
We still don’t listen.
They say one day it will click.
Like the sound you make when you lock the doors so no one catches us.

The last grain of sand in that hourglass of healing will it ever fall?
When will this ache become a gracious memory.
Probably never since we rinse and repeat so much my compass broke.
Guess it wasn’t water resistant like my watch.

Holding it all in.
Forced into silence as a defeated surrender.
I figured if I didn’t give it much energy it would pass.
I was wrong though.
I couldn’t do it forever.
I thought we’d be forever.
Forever wasn’t long enough though.

Shaking from the tension of keeping it all in silence.
Breaking down every moment your away.
There’s got to be a better way.

Surrendering was never my approach to anything.
Yet you hold the strings now and you’ve always been so good at games.
I’ve let you win this one because you’re a sore loser anyway.

I’d ignore the world if it meant I’d have you again.
I won’t though.
You’re the poison in my muscles and thoughts.
I’ve been crucified enough by your actions.
It’s that pivotal point that proves I’ll never trust you in that regard again.
Maybe that’s a step in the right direction.

Is the healing beginning?
Am I finally letting go?
Is this the direction where I’ll break these chains and be free?

‘Be quiet I don’t want anyone to know’
‘Feels amazing though keep going’
Here we are again.
Doing what started it all.
Guess letting go isn’t that easy.

‘Yes you’re almost there’
At the climax of it all I’ll have to leave again in silence.
Great more secrets.
Honesty isn’t easy but its always the right choice.
I’ll keep quiet though.

You’re the bearer of all the things you’ll never be good at but punish everyone with.

Keep telling yourself you will change.
Keep proving you can’t.
At least with me you wouldn’t have to change at all.
Haven’t I always made you feel beautiful?
I’m the better choice.
Too late though.

I’ll admit it, I need a friend to talk to.
Not the kind that wants more than I can offer.
The true kind.
A person to tell everything to without worrying about breaking down and keeping it all in.
This unhealthy approach of holding it all in is the opposite direction of goodness.
Makes the pressure in my head get to that point.
The point I’m in now.
Where I’m silently imploding in a chain reaction of lies when all I am is honest.

Do you know how hard it is to say you’re okay when you’re not?
Hard to convince anyone I’m happy with tears in my eyes.
Unreal the force of our bad habits.

Why do you have to be so damn beautiful.
Why does it fit so well inside you.
Why can’t I Know to say No.

I need a golden brick road, a lion and courage.
Be brave enough to let it go and start anew.
Something less skewered and easy.
A wrap maybe?
Sounds deliciously healthy.
Still hungry though but times run out and you have to go.

Sheets empty again.
Don’t worry dear I’ll wash it all up.
Nothing to see here folks, carry on.
I’ll wash the evidence away as promised.
Take that NSA.
No Snowden in my phone.

I’ve always kept my promises.
No seriously.
It’s all good.
Not an inconvenience at all.
Go have fun.
Sarcasm has never been so clear.

Pretending thoughts have no power.
Its a facade.
I’m certain this isn’t good.
Denial has always been a villain in my life I can’t escape from.
We both know I’m not the problem though.

Not sure what to do now.
It’s why I’ve done nothing.
Ignored myself so long I can’t even remember who I was before I met you anymore.
But hey at least I can wear skinny jeans now.
They’re in such fashion.

I wont tell him or admit anything I swear.
I’ve always been proved to be trustworthy.
Reliable and real.
It’s how I’m programmed.
Wait it out.
Pretend this wound isn’t there.
Three years from now will this even matter?

I’m not a machine.
Can’t just pick and choose what to feel, file or think.
No matter how hard I try and people say its easy to do.
Logic is a road burdened by obstacles of emotions.

My heart limiting my perception of reality.
Judgement clouded by an inability to see past my heart.

Thump Thump.
Never fair how you controlled my heartbeat.
Beating fast when I see you.
Breaking hard when you’re away.
It has to be this way.
You’re relentlessly evil.
A weapon of emotional destruction.
You’ll poison me slowly so no one notices till its too late.
Its never too late though.
People noticed.

Apologies never sufficed enough.
Plus apologies mean nothing if you keep doing what you’re sorry for.

I feel like a bottle that’s been filled and emptied too much.
Now its worn out, full of cracks and won’t hold liquid long enough to quench thirst.
Man I’m thirsty.

I cry too much when no ones looking.
This grin hides a world of pain I’ll be vague about till I recover from it.
There’s to to be a limit to this all.
Haven’t found the end yet but the path is always unpredictable.
The thread has to eventually run out.
Damn these unbreakable threads.

Crack open that fortune cookie and give me a papered message that we’ll be alright.
Then again enough about you.
Grant me a fortune that says I’ll be fantastic.
That I’ll be alright.
You were never good enough for me to believe in anyways.

Memories and Delusions in my head beg for release.
That glitch that keeps playing the scenes over and over again.
The forced silence that wounds in thrall.
I’m erasing them all.

Time to find myself again.
‘No’.
This time I’m sorry.
You’re not welcome here anymore.

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