My Mental State

Part of me wants to write a poem. It’s quicker and more brief. Full of metaphors, it may even give you a glimpse of everything in my mind. I may still do this. Time will decide. For now, I think its best to update everyone with a blog post.

At the beginning of my year, I started back my PTSD medications. I understand this requires explanations. Suffice it to say that I was on an up while on them last summer. I was going to yoga, fit from running, and gardening. Meditation classes were being held in my home. There was no Pandemic. I felt like everything would be fine. That I could go the organic route. I could get off my meds, and with the help of all the therapeutic exercises such as yoga, meditation, running, I could be free of my medications. How wrong I was.

I was sometimes sleeping as little as 4-6 hours a week. I had panic attacks, flashbacks, nightmares, getting listless, agitated easily. I lived in my bed, yet it wasn’t my friend for it didn’t give me sleep. I suffered six months like this. When you don’t sleep, you lose interest in yoga or exercise. You simply don’t have the energy or mental capacity. I withdrew. Not by a little bit by a lot. My memory and moods were awful. Insomnia was extreme.

It was clear that just teas, melatonin was not enough. So here we’re in the present today March 25, 2020. I started my medications early this year. It’s now been approximately two months taking them, and there has been a considerable difference. For one, I sleep better. It’s not perfect. There are still a few days a week. I don’t sleep well. Yet it’s considerably better. Instead of having panic attacks four times a day, I have them once or twice. I understand more about my triggers. More about my body. The side effects of red eyes, blurry vision, headaches and tummy issues I can even deal with.

My nightmares are horrendous. Now that I’ve achieved hours in sleep, I guess REM makes you dream. My mind seems to make a collage of everything from the present to the past and create vivid unpleasant visions while I sleep. Have I given up? No I have not nor will I ever. Though I’m able to somewhat function better with sleep, I’m still struggling.

I seem to have developed pretty bipolar behaviors. My moods go up and down like waves in a storm. I have no idea what mood I’ll be in or what insane project I’ll get myself into. None of them are to be clear insane but definitely compulsive and obsessive. It’s that OCD that doesn’t go away.

The good news is I am practicing meditation again. Yoga, I always did better with a teacher-guided course, sadly now there’s a global pandemic pandemic.

In our nation, we’re even shut down. Except for essential things.  Supermarkets, pharmacies, hospitals. The roads are empty. People are working remotely. There’s now a pervasive social anxiety present. People are getting worried. People are getting sick and yes even dying. We don’t hug. We are washing our hands to the point they dry and crack. Life is changing.

Now I am happy that I’m sleeping, but if I leave my house to run an errand, I’m hypervigilant. Always come home to panic and anxiety. What if that trip to get essentials brought the virus into the neighborhood? Humanity will survive, but it is still a pain for us to deal with these things. Especially for those of us that have mental issues and difficulties coping.

My stress tolerance is awful. Yet I’m now able to meditate a bit, and I’m getting better. Even as it seems the world around me is falling into disarray. It poses a question though. Is this an up? Is this a peak before a valley? I’ve no clue. I’ve also gone into a survival mode kind of mindset. I’m planting edibles only. Making garden beds. Planning for the apocalypse and food shortages. In a matter of weeks my yard will be a farm. A suburban farm. I don’t want to go hungry. I know what that’s like, and I want sunshine and health. This obsession with growing our own food is healthy, though. I don’t want to lose sight of its benefits. Gardening is therapy for me. Especially when we’re all face it. Stuck at home.

I’ve been doing my Vlogs sporadically because my mental state has been all over the place. This is okay though. I can make it through this. I am an optimist believe it or not. I’m also fair, ethical, and kind. These are qualities that can only result in goodness, I hope.

I apologize for neglecting my blog. I used to blog every day, and now its been a few days apart. Or radio silence for two weeks. Life has thrown the world a curveball with this pandemic, and I suck at catching. I suck at any changes to my routines. I have made good use of my time and written a lot on my WIPS. That’s one benefit.

Anyways this has become a rant. I should have gone for a poem instead. To everyone out there reading, listening, scared, in a similar asituation, we will survive this. We’re survivors.

More to come soon.



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