She Dies in My Head by Alejandro N. Marrero 5/26/2020

I’m not going back to sleep I’ve woken up several times horrendously
Each dream was filled with arguments and mirrors that showed me a past no one would ever envy
My nightmares were numerous in fact more than a few probably more than five
In each one of them I’d see my little sister looking horrible, skinny and then die

I’d wake up each time I realized she passed away with a barely contained scream
Go to the bathroom, splash water on my face and like a mantra whisper over and over ‘it was only a dream!
Then I’d go back into bed when my breathing calmed and somehow managed to fall back to sleep
Little did I know my dreams were set in a twisted torturous loop that changes subtlety but alway repeats

I’d be knee deep in nightmares with the ghosts of my horrible past
Seeing my sister fade from beautiful, to thin, to dying, then dead so hurtfully fast
I’d wake up shaken and not understand why
I’d go wash my face again trying to not fall apart, remember her that way or yet again cry
Why could I only take naps last night and in each one of them nightmarishly watch my passed on sister die?
Why do dreams dredge up things from the past I’ve preferred to for so long suppress and hide?

My head is pounding and though I’ve dreamed for thousands of miles
The truth is I’ve only slept three or four bloody damn horrific hours
Each dream scaring me felt like days of my life
Yet when I’d wake up shaking it was always still barely a fraction into the night
Now I can’t go to sleep because the head is full of the repeating fears
I don’t want visions of such detail that reveal the past in horribly ways that raise the dead and invoke all of these held back tears

What hurts the most is the night terrors had truths. I did lose my only sister she’s gone nothing metaphorical all crystal clear true.

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