Elusive Solitude by Alejandro N. Marrero
6/23/2020

Waking up in the afterthoughts of sleeplessness, my mind becomes fragile and wrong
Mental fortitude weakens and divisive thoughts prove to the world I’ve never been strong
It’s a new day which started earlier than it should, always does and I’m made lesser for it
Endlessly blurred visions, vacant stares and horrifying made up premonitions
I’m sore from yesterday’s workout routine because because my self esteem is ammunition
The mirror doesn’t show me what I want so I force myself to do things to change the external
Changing things can be healthy but that mirror holds the facts that youth isn’t at all eternal
Waking up with a mind consumed in darkness in a relatively bright day brings pains to my sides
I know a long nap would help tremendously but so would a complete social detox where yes I do and want to hide
Shadows follow me everywhere even in the dark or especially when I’m endlessly awake
There are several times I give up on peace because I don’t have the courage to give my fragile heart a break
Wrapping myself in blankets from the early morning shivers it takes hours to thaw
Then I pick a time for a nap and pray I’m left alone enough to make it before snapping that unforgiving last straw
I’ve held poems of grief, regret, remorse, theories and kindness close to my chest
It matters not to me if people judge me for my words I’m human, slightly broken and sometimes the mind thinks it knows what’s best
I don’t agree with everything I just want some endless recuperating rest
Waking up in the afterthoughts of sleeplessness, my mind becomes fragile and so very wrong
Mental fortitude weakens and divisive thoughts prove to the world I’ve never been that stable calm
In the doom and gloom of another sunny day of sleep deprivations
I can only hope for solitude, introvert recharging holes to swallow me up in isolation
Burying myself into a nap at some point is the best medicine and hardest one to achieve
Yet once the clock ticks early afternoon I’ll get on the floor and try to sleep I believe
Maybe then I’ll wake up posed with optimism in my veins
Till then it’s always the maybes that drive each of us cleverly insane

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