I’m up late again. That wasn’t the plan but none of these effing pills are calming me down. It’s physical and mental. It’s horrible and useless. It’s drought with agitation without a definitive cause. The mindful breathing isn’t even slowing my heart rate and I’m lying down. I’m annoyed for no reason. I want to cancel every appointment and I wish everyone on earth disappeared for a day just so I can let my anxiety, screams, anger, rage, ignorance, cries all out to a tree on a hill or something. But no. I’m keeping it all in. To the onlooker it’s just a guy with restless legs, reading on an iPad in bed. Otherwise you’d think everything is fine. You not see my racing heart, my shaking hands as I type this, the grinding of my teeth, how hot and cold I am shivering then sweating. I’ve tried it all the calming tea, sleep gummies that are overpriced at target, actual meds. I’m having a panic attack and all this anxiety for no flipping reason. Is it the moon? Is a planet in retrograde? Should I go to one of the spare rooms or floors to sleep in? I have no clue. At this point I wish I had climate controlled pod that I could climb into and not come out till I was ready to people or at least this feeling to pass. Yet I don’t. I sit here and wait, wait and wait for this feeling to pass meanwhile feeling miserable. Don’t ask me why because environmentally everything is fine. It’s all me. All of my gloriously anxious for no reason me. I’ll write a poem about it later I’m sure. For now I’m just raging on WordPress trying to just acknowledge the suckiness of not having that physical and mental fortitude everyone else has.
I’m done writing going to read some more and hopefully barely sleep